4 months

My darling girl,
Today I sit here wondering where did the tiny little newborn that we brought home from the hospital with us all those months ago disappear too? Day by day you grow both in the physical and the developmental side of things. You no longer resemble that tiny new born in anyway but are and always will be my beautiful baby girl.

You are getting so strong and can hold your head up without support, you are reaching for objects and batting the things on your baby activity centre around. You can hold a rattle in your hands and are beginning to roll. You giggle and laugh as we talk to and play with you and when your not too tired you are an absolutely delightful baby.

Unfortunately tiredness and sleep is a big issue right now. During the day and up until around midnight you only want to sleep in my arms, If I put you down in your cot or swing within moments you wake up and then take an hour to resettle. After midnight you are happy to go down and will often sleep four to five hours which doctors say is considered to be sleeping through the night although i'm not sure I agree with them that four hours is sleeping through the night. Now that you are through the new born stage I am beginning to work on a bedtime routine, little things that we can do every sleep time that will help you settle and cue you to the fact that it is sleep time. I have some people telling me to sleep train you and that I should do controlled crying otherwise known as cry it out with you. This I will NEVER do and I hope that when you have children you will feel the same way about it as I do. I do not believe in leaving you to cry, sleep should be a welcome comfortable experience not one of distress and tears, o crying and screaming so hard until your throat hurts and you fall asleep, not because you have learnt to sleep but because you have learnt that nobody is going to come when you need them too. I never want you to think that I won't respond to your needs, never want you to think that I can ignore your distress and not response when you are sad and so I will NEVER ever just leave you to cry.

As a result of you not wanting to sleep anywhere but my arms we spend a lot of time baby wearing as it allows me to do things around the house and play with your brother. I love baby wearing it makes me feel so close to you as I feel you breathing against my chest. I have become somewhat addicted to it now and we have multiple wraps in various colours. Once our baby wearings days are over I plan on saving my favourite wrap and storing it away in the hope that one day far in the future you will use it with your children.

I'm falling more in love with you every day my beautiful girl and while sometimes I get tired of always having you in my arms when your not with me I miss you within twenty minutes and take you back from your father. You are my darling little girl and I will always be here for you, always love you and do what ever I have too to protect you.

Love always
Mummy

Ten Weeks

Dear Abigail,

I forgot how quickly time passes when you have a young baby, while the hours and days seem to melt into each other and sometimes just drag the truth is that the newborn days are so short and gone so fast that you feel that if you blink you will miss them. Before we know it those newborn babies become infants that even early on have their own little personality's and as time continues to flow the infant becomes a toddler and then a small child and still the endless march forward continues. 

We are out of the newborn days now and into that amazing infant stage where every day you seem to notice more of what is around you, seem to grow bigger and stronger, seem to understand more of what is happening in the world around you. While I am sad to see that tiny little newborn phase vanish in the distance I look forward to the coming weeks and watching you develop as time passes. 

For the next few years you have more to learn then you will at any other point in your life and you learn so quickly. Now you smile when you see me, as i move around the room your eyes follow me, you turn your head towards sounds that are made around you and you babble away to yourself and to us. This week you have begun to reach for objects and bat at the toys on your baby activity mat. It is time for me to find a few more toys for you that aren't just the soft stuffed type toys that we currently own. 

The last ten weeks have not been easy, you have severe reflux which means I spend hour upon hour holding you, comforting you as you cry, our laundry is full of vomit stained clothes and baby wraps and I have fallen far behind in housework but at the end of the day it doesn't matter because I am doing what needs to be done to keep you healthy and as happy as I can. 

I fall more in love with you as each day passes and can barely remember what life was like before you joined us, with your birth the dream of having a family of my own was complete.

1 month old already

Dear Abigail,
You are one month old today, a month of massive highs and deep lows, a month where at times I have not known what way is up and what way is down. I didn't expect to end up having a caesarean and over the past month I have been struggling to come to terms with that, I didn't expect either of us to get sick and for you to spend a week in special care nursery and with all the positive signs that my body was giving us before your birth I really didn't expect us to have breast feeding problems.

People say that breast feeding is easy, that it's the most natural thing in the world and that any problems with it must either be all in the woman's head or they are just too lazy. I often wonder what those people would think if they were here watching us, living this experience with us as feed after feed we keep on going, struggling to breastfeed but doing the best we can.

In this case the best we can do right now is combination feeding with you having a feed at the breast first and then finishing with a top up of formula. I hate using formula I really do but at the end of the day you must be fed regardless of how I feel about formula it's what you need.

When you were first born we got our breastfeeding off to quite a good start regardless of the fact that you are a csection baby. I had milk and you were feeding well but then you got sick and everything went downhill. For the first three and a half days you were in the SCN you didn't feed at all as you were that weak you needed to be on IV fluids, for those days every three hours I sat by your crib and watched you as I expressed what ever I could for you and that expressing has continued ever since. Multiple times a day I find myself attached to the pump despite the fact that I am one of those women who get very little from trying to express but the lactation consultant tells me that even if I get nothing out it is still stimulating the milk supply, still getting more in for you.

By the time you were well enough to feed again my supply was suffering and you were getting frustrated and not wanting to feed followed by me getting frustrated and upset because i just want to give you the best start to life I can. Feed after feed I have put you the breast and you started sucking again but as we discovered last week at a feeding study you have a weak suck so haven't been getting as much from me as you should be. This we are working on with exercises to strengthen your jaw and suck and on the weekend just gone we went and bought a supplemental feeding system so that you are now having every feed at my breast even the formula feeds. This is good as when you are sucking the formula up through the tube you are also getting my milk from the nipple and stimulating more milk production. In a matter of three days I have noticed a big difference in the way my breasts are feeling and the amount of milk I am making and even without the SNS you are now staying on the breast for longer at a feed. In addition to help increase my supple I am taking a medication from the doctor and a herbal combination from the naturopath.

The other thing influencing breast feeding is that you have quite severe reflux. This causes you so much pain my baby girl that some nights all I can do is sit there and hold you close while you cry in my arms and a lot of those nights I cry along with you. I am doing everything I can to make sure you are okay and to ease your pain.

My dream was to breastfeed exclusively and for some reason I thought that it had to be one way or the other, either bottle or breast not both. Thankfully I have had a supportive midwife and we had a fantastic nurse in the SCN that made me realise that we can do both and that any breast milk is better then none. I am pleased to say that today you have cut down the amount of milk you have in your supplemental feed and you even had one feed fully from me today where you didn't need a supplemental. We may never end up breastfeeding 100% but we can at least meet some of your needs with breast milk.

Aside from the breast feeding woes and your reflux we have settled in at home quite well and have even managed to get out of the house a few times. Your big brother adores you and is always asking where you are, wanting to wake you up when you are sleeping to kiss and cuddle you and wanting to show you all his toys. When you cry he often makes it to your side before daddy and i do and we find him stroking your head calling you beautiful girl and telling you it's alright mummy's coming. I can not wait to see how your relationship with your brother grows over the years, I hope that the two of you will always get along and be fantastic friends over the years.

Since I like holding you close I have been investigating baby wearing more then I did with just your brother in his ergo and have discovered a wonderful world of slings, wraps and carriers. There are so many pretty designs that it is hard not to get carried away with them all and at the moment I have at least five more wraps and a sling on my wish list. On the weekend we had our first baby wearing adventure when I wore you in my lovely soft rainbow wrap to the Fremantle markets, it was a very hot day but I really didn't feel to hot wearing you and you only started sweating after I decided to put you in your pram. You love being carried and being worn close to my heart, the moment I put you in that heart to heart carry you snuggled your head against my chest and went to sleep, you stayed that way for most of our market trip and only woke up when you were due for a feed.

First baby wearing adventure using a woven wrap - Fremantle Markets 6/1/2013

Anyway it's time to go and get ready for your next feed, I can hear you beginning to stir in your bassinet next to me. Happy one month little princess and here to countless more months together in the future.

Love always
Mummy

Home at last

Dear Abigail,
The last time i wrote to you we were still in hospital but we have now been home since Monday. On Sunday the doctors confirmed that everything looked great and we could take you home the next morning. I have to tell you baby girl that Sunday was a difficult day for me, in between feeding and looking after you I spent a lot of time crying, I just felt so bad that everything had gone the way it had and that you were having formula that I couldn't hold it in anymore. Sunday afternoon and evening though their was a fantastic nurse looking after you, here and I had many conversations and some of the things she said went a long way in helping me to feel better and more at peace. Waking up on Monday morning I was so excited, at last after nine days in hospital we were taking you home, at last I would get to see your brother again and we would get to do things our way instead of the way the hospital wanted it done. While things have been chaotic as we all settle into being a family I am loving being a family and watching your big brother bond with you. 

Samuel adores you and doesn't want to leave you alone, when you are sleeping he constantly asks if you can wake up now, he keeps asking to hold you, kiss you, hug you and play with you and when ever you cry he gets a little upset and comes running to you, stroking your head or talking softly to you telling you it's alright. On Monday when Daddy and Samuel came to pick us up at the hospital the first thing that Samuel did was come over to me and say 'me hold abigail?' I helped him to hold you and then he wanted to carry you out of the hospital. After he had seen me try and feed you a few times he lifted up his top and told us that he had milk and would feed you. I am really looking forward to watching your relationship with your brother grow over the years and really hope that the two of you will be lifelong friends and a great support to one another as you reach adulthood. 

Being at home in my own space things have been a lot better and I've been able to enjoy and bond with you much better then at the hospital. Everyday I am feeling better about the way things went but yesterday when we went to visit the doctor things she said really helped put things into perspective. She explained just what had happened and what both you and I had been sick with and her explanation helped explain why the doctors at the hospital treated us the way they did but more so helped put things into perspective. See what you were sick with my precious baby girl is a very serious illness that is known to cause complications and still birth in babies. My doctor who use to work at the maternity hospital told me that the only babies she had ever lost were ones with this illness and that it at times had come down to only an hour between a healthy baby and losing a baby. She told me of one case where on arrival at hospital the baby had a heartbeat but by the time it was delivered an hour later by emergency Caesarian section it had sadly passed away. One hour was all it took and it scares me completely to think that one hour more and we could have lost you. If it wasn't for my appendix scare there is a very big chance that you wouldn't be here with us now. The condition we had the only way of treating it is antibiotics to prevent on going infection and quick delivery of the baby. You were delivered 24 hours after I arrived at the hospital and I will thank god everyday that you are okay and that you are here with us now. 

I love you so very much my little princess
Love
Mummy

Abigail's birth story

Dearest Abigail,
You are a week old today, I can't believe that already a week has passed since they pulled you from my womb, to be honest little girl while I am so happy that you are here and I love you so very much I feel a great sense of sadness when I think back to your birth and the hours proceeding it. 

I wanted so much to see you born and the fact that I missed those first moments and hours of your life really tears me apart at the moment. I read today that there is a purely primal instinct between a women and her baby that helps a woman begin to bond with her baby and that it is quite common for women who have missed out of those first hours to feel it as an emotional wound. There is no way I can get back those things I have lost by being asleep when you were born, I didn't get to be the first to hold you, to hear your first cry or be the first to look into you beautiful eyes, I didn't get to see you weighed and measured or change your first nappy and while I know that these all sound like small things for me right now they feel pretty big and I don't know how to set these wounds to rest, how to heal from them. I guess only time will heal these wounds. Everybody tells me that I should be happy, that I should be grateful that you arrived in the world safely and somewhat healthy and yes I am grateful that you are here and that we didn't lose you I can be sad at the same time. It is possible to feel joy and deep sadness and regret at the same time, before your birth I never knew that. 

You were born on a beautiful warm early summers day, the type of day that your daddy and I like to have picnics on or go driving through the swan valley. Your birth story isn't the usual story of a women going in to labour and of how she coped but rather a very different story of a mystery illness that decided to hit right at the end of pregnancy, right on the home stretch. I had been feeling unwell for weeks but the doctors had put it down to late pregnancy aches and pains just normal stuff but the day before you were born all those aches and pains were so much worse and I could barely get out of your bed. It was decided to call the hospital and when I did they asked me to come is just to make sure everything was ok. When I left home that afternoon I never imagined that it would be the last time I would leave pregnant and that twenty four hours you would be here with me. 

When we arrived at the hospital they did all sorts of tests to find out what was wrong with me, they started me on IV antibiotics and fluids as it was clear I had an infection and was dehydrated and admitted me for monitoring. I felt so sick and was in a fair amount of pain. On Saturday morning they sent a surgeon to look at me, after he examined me and consulted with the other doctors they decided the most likely cause of my symptoms was my appendix and that it needed to come out. The doctors didn't want to take the risk of the appendix bursting and so they couldn't induce you, it had to be surgery and it had to be under general. 

On hearing those words I felt as if the world around me had begun to collapse, everything we had planned, the birth classes attended, the research into active birth and labour everything went spiralling down the drain and I was left trying to get my head around the fact that I was having major surgery. I had very little time to process this idea before daddy, nana Kerry and nana Brenda arrived and the whirlwind of surgery preparation began. Everybody commented on how calm I was, how together I was, I really don't know how I held it together, all I wanted to do was find a dark corner and cry and perhaps if I had of done that I'd be coping better with all of it now but I didn't and I didn't have time to process. I put on a brave face and signed consent forms, listened to various doctors explain different elements of the surgery, had a shower and washed with the special pre op gel, got into the gown, brushed my hair and it was time to go. Somewhere in all of that the photographer who was suppose to photograph your birth arrived and got as many pictures as she could. When we let her know what was happening I wasn't sure I wanted her to take photos but I am not glad she did, glad that as much of your story could be told as she could capture and now I write this telling your story from another perspective.

They wheeled me out of the room and daddy walked with us as far as they would allow him too. He gave me a kiss and said goodbye and then we were in the operating waiting area, as they wheeled me I saw all the various doctors who had been to see me that morning and each reintroduced themselves and once again quickly ran over what was going to happen. Then we had to wait a little while as they got the theatre ready but before I knew it I was being wheeled into theatre and was on the operating table. I was awake as they prepped for surgery and the anaesthetists were making jokes with me and keeping me calm, one joked that there were so many of them in their that his job was just to hold my hand and you know what beautiful girl that's just what he did after asking me what my favourite music was and getting it playing over the sound system in theatre and then another anaesthetist kept talking to me, explaining every little thing that was happening, she put the mask over my mouth and nose and told me that they were injecting the drugs now and that I'd feel a little pain moving through my arm and it did hurt enough that I remember clenching my fist, I went under to the band of monsters and men playing and my final thought was I love you baby I'll see you soon.

Suddenly I was aware of voices around me, of people talking to me but I couldn't make out what they were saying and felt unable to speak myself, I managed to say your name and was told that you came out screaming and were just fine, that you were with daddy and then I passed out again, sometime later I came too and they started asking me questions about you and your brother in an attempt to keep me awake, it worked and before I knew it I became more aware of my surroundings. I was in the recovery room, the surgery had gone just as planned and you were fine, that's all I cared about was you and knowing that you were fine. As I became more and more aware I began watching the clock and eventually at 5.05 I asked when we could go back, they decided that I was doing well enough and so we headed back to the room. 

I was still pretty out of it when they wheeled me in the room but my eyes went straight to your daddy with you in his arms and then you were being placed in my arms. I have no idea when the photographer or nana Brenda left as I only had eyes for you. You had your first breast feed and then I just held you gazing in to your eyes and whispering sweet nothing's to you. The first words I said to you were hello beautiful and while I don't remember much about the rest of that night I do remember only having eyes for you and never wanting to put you down. 

The very first photo of Abigail Tess - 8/12/2012
So that was your birth my little one but our hospital story doesn't end quite there. The day after you were born things seemed fine, you were feeding well and were quite settled. Every minute I was falling deeper in love with you (a feeling that still continues to grow) things were looking good and they begin planning discharge for Tuesday or Wednesday. Monday came around and you became really sleepy, I asked multiple times about jaundice and were told you were fine, by Tuesday afternoon I couldn't get you to feed and you had z temperature, when you were weighed it was found that you had lost 10% of birthweight and you were admitted to special care nursery. Despite them starting you on fluids and antibiotics straight away your temperature continued to go up, nobody knew what was wrong with you, all we knew then is that you had some sort of infection. They did a lumbar puncture on you and you had an ultrasound of your brain trying to find what was wrong but nothing was showing up only that your body was fighting some sort of infection. At last on Thursday your temperature began to come down and on Friday was back to normal. You are still in SCN on IV antibiotics but your temp has stayed normal and your infection markers are slowly going down. We are working on getting you breast feeding again and while that isn't going to well I'm not going to give up. Today the doctors told me that they think you will be well enough to go home on Monday. I can't wait to get you home, to be able to hold you when I want too and as much as I want to, to have our little family all together, happy and healthy at home. 

Not what we had planned!

My precious little girl, this will be the last letter I write to you before you are here with us, yesterday I came down sick and ended up being admitted to hospital, the doctors are concerned that its my appendix which if they are right poses considerable danger to both you and I and so it as been decided that they are getting you out today.

This is not the birth I had planned and as they are doing a caesarean and getting the appendix at the same time it means that I will be asleep when you are born. I'm sad I won't see you born but I have to do what is best for both of us and make sure you make it in to the world safely. I can't wait to hold you in my arms in a few hours time little one and finely meet you.

Love
Mummy

35 weeks down, 5 weeks to go

Dear Abigail, I am now 35 weeks pregnant and looking forward to meeting you in the near future. The last few months has been a roller coaster ride with a trip to hospital, and me not being very well but for the most part I have been enjoying this final trimester. I've enjoyed feeling you move inside my womb, talking to you and dreaming of what my daughter is going to look like, how life will be when you are here and imagining what you may grow up to be.

I feel so blessed to be having you when I really thought that I was only going to have one child. You are a beautiful gift and I will treasure you (and your brother) for life.  As a child and teenager I always saw my future as having two children, one boy and one girl, after Samuel was born I still hoped on day to have another child but had convinced myself that he was going to be it, until the day I discovered that I was pregnant with you. You complete my dreams of motherhood and with you my family is at last complete.

I worry about the world I am bringing you into but I look forward to helping you navigate your way through it. I hope that you grow up to be an empathetic, strong women who believes in herself and knows that she is fully capable on her own without needing a man to be complete. I hope you grow up believing that you are the equal of any man and worthy of the same rights that men have. In the world we live in right now women are men are supposedly equal but the reality is that women are still unrepresented in positions of power (although we currently have our first female prime minister is Julia Gillard) and are still paid lower wages then men in many professions despite having similar qualifications and levels of experience. I hope and pray that the world you grow up in will be different, that by the time you are entering the working world things will be more even but I think that this world have a long way to go before that truly happens. 

I will do my best to teach and guide you, to instil a believe in yourself and sense of worth and teach you the things you need to survive in this world but most of all I will always love you and will always support you my baby girl. Already I love you so much that it brings tears to my eyes and I can not wait to hold you in my arms and look into your eyes for the first time. 

I love you and always will 
Mummy