Home at last

Dear Abigail,
The last time i wrote to you we were still in hospital but we have now been home since Monday. On Sunday the doctors confirmed that everything looked great and we could take you home the next morning. I have to tell you baby girl that Sunday was a difficult day for me, in between feeding and looking after you I spent a lot of time crying, I just felt so bad that everything had gone the way it had and that you were having formula that I couldn't hold it in anymore. Sunday afternoon and evening though their was a fantastic nurse looking after you, here and I had many conversations and some of the things she said went a long way in helping me to feel better and more at peace. Waking up on Monday morning I was so excited, at last after nine days in hospital we were taking you home, at last I would get to see your brother again and we would get to do things our way instead of the way the hospital wanted it done. While things have been chaotic as we all settle into being a family I am loving being a family and watching your big brother bond with you. 

Samuel adores you and doesn't want to leave you alone, when you are sleeping he constantly asks if you can wake up now, he keeps asking to hold you, kiss you, hug you and play with you and when ever you cry he gets a little upset and comes running to you, stroking your head or talking softly to you telling you it's alright. On Monday when Daddy and Samuel came to pick us up at the hospital the first thing that Samuel did was come over to me and say 'me hold abigail?' I helped him to hold you and then he wanted to carry you out of the hospital. After he had seen me try and feed you a few times he lifted up his top and told us that he had milk and would feed you. I am really looking forward to watching your relationship with your brother grow over the years and really hope that the two of you will be lifelong friends and a great support to one another as you reach adulthood. 

Being at home in my own space things have been a lot better and I've been able to enjoy and bond with you much better then at the hospital. Everyday I am feeling better about the way things went but yesterday when we went to visit the doctor things she said really helped put things into perspective. She explained just what had happened and what both you and I had been sick with and her explanation helped explain why the doctors at the hospital treated us the way they did but more so helped put things into perspective. See what you were sick with my precious baby girl is a very serious illness that is known to cause complications and still birth in babies. My doctor who use to work at the maternity hospital told me that the only babies she had ever lost were ones with this illness and that it at times had come down to only an hour between a healthy baby and losing a baby. She told me of one case where on arrival at hospital the baby had a heartbeat but by the time it was delivered an hour later by emergency Caesarian section it had sadly passed away. One hour was all it took and it scares me completely to think that one hour more and we could have lost you. If it wasn't for my appendix scare there is a very big chance that you wouldn't be here with us now. The condition we had the only way of treating it is antibiotics to prevent on going infection and quick delivery of the baby. You were delivered 24 hours after I arrived at the hospital and I will thank god everyday that you are okay and that you are here with us now. 

I love you so very much my little princess
Love
Mummy

Abigail's birth story

Dearest Abigail,
You are a week old today, I can't believe that already a week has passed since they pulled you from my womb, to be honest little girl while I am so happy that you are here and I love you so very much I feel a great sense of sadness when I think back to your birth and the hours proceeding it. 

I wanted so much to see you born and the fact that I missed those first moments and hours of your life really tears me apart at the moment. I read today that there is a purely primal instinct between a women and her baby that helps a woman begin to bond with her baby and that it is quite common for women who have missed out of those first hours to feel it as an emotional wound. There is no way I can get back those things I have lost by being asleep when you were born, I didn't get to be the first to hold you, to hear your first cry or be the first to look into you beautiful eyes, I didn't get to see you weighed and measured or change your first nappy and while I know that these all sound like small things for me right now they feel pretty big and I don't know how to set these wounds to rest, how to heal from them. I guess only time will heal these wounds. Everybody tells me that I should be happy, that I should be grateful that you arrived in the world safely and somewhat healthy and yes I am grateful that you are here and that we didn't lose you I can be sad at the same time. It is possible to feel joy and deep sadness and regret at the same time, before your birth I never knew that. 

You were born on a beautiful warm early summers day, the type of day that your daddy and I like to have picnics on or go driving through the swan valley. Your birth story isn't the usual story of a women going in to labour and of how she coped but rather a very different story of a mystery illness that decided to hit right at the end of pregnancy, right on the home stretch. I had been feeling unwell for weeks but the doctors had put it down to late pregnancy aches and pains just normal stuff but the day before you were born all those aches and pains were so much worse and I could barely get out of your bed. It was decided to call the hospital and when I did they asked me to come is just to make sure everything was ok. When I left home that afternoon I never imagined that it would be the last time I would leave pregnant and that twenty four hours you would be here with me. 

When we arrived at the hospital they did all sorts of tests to find out what was wrong with me, they started me on IV antibiotics and fluids as it was clear I had an infection and was dehydrated and admitted me for monitoring. I felt so sick and was in a fair amount of pain. On Saturday morning they sent a surgeon to look at me, after he examined me and consulted with the other doctors they decided the most likely cause of my symptoms was my appendix and that it needed to come out. The doctors didn't want to take the risk of the appendix bursting and so they couldn't induce you, it had to be surgery and it had to be under general. 

On hearing those words I felt as if the world around me had begun to collapse, everything we had planned, the birth classes attended, the research into active birth and labour everything went spiralling down the drain and I was left trying to get my head around the fact that I was having major surgery. I had very little time to process this idea before daddy, nana Kerry and nana Brenda arrived and the whirlwind of surgery preparation began. Everybody commented on how calm I was, how together I was, I really don't know how I held it together, all I wanted to do was find a dark corner and cry and perhaps if I had of done that I'd be coping better with all of it now but I didn't and I didn't have time to process. I put on a brave face and signed consent forms, listened to various doctors explain different elements of the surgery, had a shower and washed with the special pre op gel, got into the gown, brushed my hair and it was time to go. Somewhere in all of that the photographer who was suppose to photograph your birth arrived and got as many pictures as she could. When we let her know what was happening I wasn't sure I wanted her to take photos but I am not glad she did, glad that as much of your story could be told as she could capture and now I write this telling your story from another perspective.

They wheeled me out of the room and daddy walked with us as far as they would allow him too. He gave me a kiss and said goodbye and then we were in the operating waiting area, as they wheeled me I saw all the various doctors who had been to see me that morning and each reintroduced themselves and once again quickly ran over what was going to happen. Then we had to wait a little while as they got the theatre ready but before I knew it I was being wheeled into theatre and was on the operating table. I was awake as they prepped for surgery and the anaesthetists were making jokes with me and keeping me calm, one joked that there were so many of them in their that his job was just to hold my hand and you know what beautiful girl that's just what he did after asking me what my favourite music was and getting it playing over the sound system in theatre and then another anaesthetist kept talking to me, explaining every little thing that was happening, she put the mask over my mouth and nose and told me that they were injecting the drugs now and that I'd feel a little pain moving through my arm and it did hurt enough that I remember clenching my fist, I went under to the band of monsters and men playing and my final thought was I love you baby I'll see you soon.

Suddenly I was aware of voices around me, of people talking to me but I couldn't make out what they were saying and felt unable to speak myself, I managed to say your name and was told that you came out screaming and were just fine, that you were with daddy and then I passed out again, sometime later I came too and they started asking me questions about you and your brother in an attempt to keep me awake, it worked and before I knew it I became more aware of my surroundings. I was in the recovery room, the surgery had gone just as planned and you were fine, that's all I cared about was you and knowing that you were fine. As I became more and more aware I began watching the clock and eventually at 5.05 I asked when we could go back, they decided that I was doing well enough and so we headed back to the room. 

I was still pretty out of it when they wheeled me in the room but my eyes went straight to your daddy with you in his arms and then you were being placed in my arms. I have no idea when the photographer or nana Brenda left as I only had eyes for you. You had your first breast feed and then I just held you gazing in to your eyes and whispering sweet nothing's to you. The first words I said to you were hello beautiful and while I don't remember much about the rest of that night I do remember only having eyes for you and never wanting to put you down. 

The very first photo of Abigail Tess - 8/12/2012
So that was your birth my little one but our hospital story doesn't end quite there. The day after you were born things seemed fine, you were feeding well and were quite settled. Every minute I was falling deeper in love with you (a feeling that still continues to grow) things were looking good and they begin planning discharge for Tuesday or Wednesday. Monday came around and you became really sleepy, I asked multiple times about jaundice and were told you were fine, by Tuesday afternoon I couldn't get you to feed and you had z temperature, when you were weighed it was found that you had lost 10% of birthweight and you were admitted to special care nursery. Despite them starting you on fluids and antibiotics straight away your temperature continued to go up, nobody knew what was wrong with you, all we knew then is that you had some sort of infection. They did a lumbar puncture on you and you had an ultrasound of your brain trying to find what was wrong but nothing was showing up only that your body was fighting some sort of infection. At last on Thursday your temperature began to come down and on Friday was back to normal. You are still in SCN on IV antibiotics but your temp has stayed normal and your infection markers are slowly going down. We are working on getting you breast feeding again and while that isn't going to well I'm not going to give up. Today the doctors told me that they think you will be well enough to go home on Monday. I can't wait to get you home, to be able to hold you when I want too and as much as I want to, to have our little family all together, happy and healthy at home. 

Not what we had planned!

My precious little girl, this will be the last letter I write to you before you are here with us, yesterday I came down sick and ended up being admitted to hospital, the doctors are concerned that its my appendix which if they are right poses considerable danger to both you and I and so it as been decided that they are getting you out today.

This is not the birth I had planned and as they are doing a caesarean and getting the appendix at the same time it means that I will be asleep when you are born. I'm sad I won't see you born but I have to do what is best for both of us and make sure you make it in to the world safely. I can't wait to hold you in my arms in a few hours time little one and finely meet you.

Love
Mummy