My darling girl,
Today I sit here wondering where did the tiny little newborn that we brought home from the hospital with us all those months ago disappear too? Day by day you grow both in the physical and the developmental side of things. You no longer resemble that tiny new born in anyway but are and always will be my beautiful baby girl.
You are getting so strong and can hold your head up without support, you are reaching for objects and batting the things on your baby activity centre around. You can hold a rattle in your hands and are beginning to roll. You giggle and laugh as we talk to and play with you and when your not too tired you are an absolutely delightful baby.
Unfortunately tiredness and sleep is a big issue right now. During the day and up until around midnight you only want to sleep in my arms, If I put you down in your cot or swing within moments you wake up and then take an hour to resettle. After midnight you are happy to go down and will often sleep four to five hours which doctors say is considered to be sleeping through the night although i'm not sure I agree with them that four hours is sleeping through the night. Now that you are through the new born stage I am beginning to work on a bedtime routine, little things that we can do every sleep time that will help you settle and cue you to the fact that it is sleep time. I have some people telling me to sleep train you and that I should do controlled crying otherwise known as cry it out with you. This I will NEVER do and I hope that when you have children you will feel the same way about it as I do. I do not believe in leaving you to cry, sleep should be a welcome comfortable experience not one of distress and tears, o crying and screaming so hard until your throat hurts and you fall asleep, not because you have learnt to sleep but because you have learnt that nobody is going to come when you need them too. I never want you to think that I won't respond to your needs, never want you to think that I can ignore your distress and not response when you are sad and so I will NEVER ever just leave you to cry.
As a result of you not wanting to sleep anywhere but my arms we spend a lot of time baby wearing as it allows me to do things around the house and play with your brother. I love baby wearing it makes me feel so close to you as I feel you breathing against my chest. I have become somewhat addicted to it now and we have multiple wraps in various colours. Once our baby wearings days are over I plan on saving my favourite wrap and storing it away in the hope that one day far in the future you will use it with your children.
I'm falling more in love with you every day my beautiful girl and while sometimes I get tired of always having you in my arms when your not with me I miss you within twenty minutes and take you back from your father. You are my darling little girl and I will always be here for you, always love you and do what ever I have too to protect you.
Love always
Mummy
Monday, April 8, 2013
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Ten Weeks
Dear Abigail,
I forgot how quickly time passes when you have a young baby, while the hours and days seem to melt into each other and sometimes just drag the truth is that the newborn days are so short and gone so fast that you feel that if you blink you will miss them. Before we know it those newborn babies become infants that even early on have their own little personality's and as time continues to flow the infant becomes a toddler and then a small child and still the endless march forward continues.
We are out of the newborn days now and into that amazing infant stage where every day you seem to notice more of what is around you, seem to grow bigger and stronger, seem to understand more of what is happening in the world around you. While I am sad to see that tiny little newborn phase vanish in the distance I look forward to the coming weeks and watching you develop as time passes.
For the next few years you have more to learn then you will at any other point in your life and you learn so quickly. Now you smile when you see me, as i move around the room your eyes follow me, you turn your head towards sounds that are made around you and you babble away to yourself and to us. This week you have begun to reach for objects and bat at the toys on your baby activity mat. It is time for me to find a few more toys for you that aren't just the soft stuffed type toys that we currently own.
The last ten weeks have not been easy, you have severe reflux which means I spend hour upon hour holding you, comforting you as you cry, our laundry is full of vomit stained clothes and baby wraps and I have fallen far behind in housework but at the end of the day it doesn't matter because I am doing what needs to be done to keep you healthy and as happy as I can.
I fall more in love with you as each day passes and can barely remember what life was like before you joined us, with your birth the dream of having a family of my own was complete.
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
1 month old already
Dear Abigail,
You are one month old today, a month of massive highs and deep lows, a month where at times I have not known what way is up and what way is down. I didn't expect to end up having a caesarean and over the past month I have been struggling to come to terms with that, I didn't expect either of us to get sick and for you to spend a week in special care nursery and with all the positive signs that my body was giving us before your birth I really didn't expect us to have breast feeding problems.
People say that breast feeding is easy, that it's the most natural thing in the world and that any problems with it must either be all in the woman's head or they are just too lazy. I often wonder what those people would think if they were here watching us, living this experience with us as feed after feed we keep on going, struggling to breastfeed but doing the best we can.
In this case the best we can do right now is combination feeding with you having a feed at the breast first and then finishing with a top up of formula. I hate using formula I really do but at the end of the day you must be fed regardless of how I feel about formula it's what you need.
When you were first born we got our breastfeeding off to quite a good start regardless of the fact that you are a csection baby. I had milk and you were feeding well but then you got sick and everything went downhill. For the first three and a half days you were in the SCN you didn't feed at all as you were that weak you needed to be on IV fluids, for those days every three hours I sat by your crib and watched you as I expressed what ever I could for you and that expressing has continued ever since. Multiple times a day I find myself attached to the pump despite the fact that I am one of those women who get very little from trying to express but the lactation consultant tells me that even if I get nothing out it is still stimulating the milk supply, still getting more in for you.
By the time you were well enough to feed again my supply was suffering and you were getting frustrated and not wanting to feed followed by me getting frustrated and upset because i just want to give you the best start to life I can. Feed after feed I have put you the breast and you started sucking again but as we discovered last week at a feeding study you have a weak suck so haven't been getting as much from me as you should be. This we are working on with exercises to strengthen your jaw and suck and on the weekend just gone we went and bought a supplemental feeding system so that you are now having every feed at my breast even the formula feeds. This is good as when you are sucking the formula up through the tube you are also getting my milk from the nipple and stimulating more milk production. In a matter of three days I have noticed a big difference in the way my breasts are feeling and the amount of milk I am making and even without the SNS you are now staying on the breast for longer at a feed. In addition to help increase my supple I am taking a medication from the doctor and a herbal combination from the naturopath.
The other thing influencing breast feeding is that you have quite severe reflux. This causes you so much pain my baby girl that some nights all I can do is sit there and hold you close while you cry in my arms and a lot of those nights I cry along with you. I am doing everything I can to make sure you are okay and to ease your pain.
My dream was to breastfeed exclusively and for some reason I thought that it had to be one way or the other, either bottle or breast not both. Thankfully I have had a supportive midwife and we had a fantastic nurse in the SCN that made me realise that we can do both and that any breast milk is better then none. I am pleased to say that today you have cut down the amount of milk you have in your supplemental feed and you even had one feed fully from me today where you didn't need a supplemental. We may never end up breastfeeding 100% but we can at least meet some of your needs with breast milk.
Aside from the breast feeding woes and your reflux we have settled in at home quite well and have even managed to get out of the house a few times. Your big brother adores you and is always asking where you are, wanting to wake you up when you are sleeping to kiss and cuddle you and wanting to show you all his toys. When you cry he often makes it to your side before daddy and i do and we find him stroking your head calling you beautiful girl and telling you it's alright mummy's coming. I can not wait to see how your relationship with your brother grows over the years, I hope that the two of you will always get along and be fantastic friends over the years.
Since I like holding you close I have been investigating baby wearing more then I did with just your brother in his ergo and have discovered a wonderful world of slings, wraps and carriers. There are so many pretty designs that it is hard not to get carried away with them all and at the moment I have at least five more wraps and a sling on my wish list. On the weekend we had our first baby wearing adventure when I wore you in my lovely soft rainbow wrap to the Fremantle markets, it was a very hot day but I really didn't feel to hot wearing you and you only started sweating after I decided to put you in your pram. You love being carried and being worn close to my heart, the moment I put you in that heart to heart carry you snuggled your head against my chest and went to sleep, you stayed that way for most of our market trip and only woke up when you were due for a feed.
First baby wearing adventure using a woven wrap - Fremantle Markets 6/1/2013
Anyway it's time to go and get ready for your next feed, I can hear you beginning to stir in your bassinet next to me. Happy one month little princess and here to countless more months together in the future.
Love always
Mummy
You are one month old today, a month of massive highs and deep lows, a month where at times I have not known what way is up and what way is down. I didn't expect to end up having a caesarean and over the past month I have been struggling to come to terms with that, I didn't expect either of us to get sick and for you to spend a week in special care nursery and with all the positive signs that my body was giving us before your birth I really didn't expect us to have breast feeding problems.
People say that breast feeding is easy, that it's the most natural thing in the world and that any problems with it must either be all in the woman's head or they are just too lazy. I often wonder what those people would think if they were here watching us, living this experience with us as feed after feed we keep on going, struggling to breastfeed but doing the best we can.
In this case the best we can do right now is combination feeding with you having a feed at the breast first and then finishing with a top up of formula. I hate using formula I really do but at the end of the day you must be fed regardless of how I feel about formula it's what you need.
When you were first born we got our breastfeeding off to quite a good start regardless of the fact that you are a csection baby. I had milk and you were feeding well but then you got sick and everything went downhill. For the first three and a half days you were in the SCN you didn't feed at all as you were that weak you needed to be on IV fluids, for those days every three hours I sat by your crib and watched you as I expressed what ever I could for you and that expressing has continued ever since. Multiple times a day I find myself attached to the pump despite the fact that I am one of those women who get very little from trying to express but the lactation consultant tells me that even if I get nothing out it is still stimulating the milk supply, still getting more in for you.
By the time you were well enough to feed again my supply was suffering and you were getting frustrated and not wanting to feed followed by me getting frustrated and upset because i just want to give you the best start to life I can. Feed after feed I have put you the breast and you started sucking again but as we discovered last week at a feeding study you have a weak suck so haven't been getting as much from me as you should be. This we are working on with exercises to strengthen your jaw and suck and on the weekend just gone we went and bought a supplemental feeding system so that you are now having every feed at my breast even the formula feeds. This is good as when you are sucking the formula up through the tube you are also getting my milk from the nipple and stimulating more milk production. In a matter of three days I have noticed a big difference in the way my breasts are feeling and the amount of milk I am making and even without the SNS you are now staying on the breast for longer at a feed. In addition to help increase my supple I am taking a medication from the doctor and a herbal combination from the naturopath.
The other thing influencing breast feeding is that you have quite severe reflux. This causes you so much pain my baby girl that some nights all I can do is sit there and hold you close while you cry in my arms and a lot of those nights I cry along with you. I am doing everything I can to make sure you are okay and to ease your pain.
My dream was to breastfeed exclusively and for some reason I thought that it had to be one way or the other, either bottle or breast not both. Thankfully I have had a supportive midwife and we had a fantastic nurse in the SCN that made me realise that we can do both and that any breast milk is better then none. I am pleased to say that today you have cut down the amount of milk you have in your supplemental feed and you even had one feed fully from me today where you didn't need a supplemental. We may never end up breastfeeding 100% but we can at least meet some of your needs with breast milk.
Aside from the breast feeding woes and your reflux we have settled in at home quite well and have even managed to get out of the house a few times. Your big brother adores you and is always asking where you are, wanting to wake you up when you are sleeping to kiss and cuddle you and wanting to show you all his toys. When you cry he often makes it to your side before daddy and i do and we find him stroking your head calling you beautiful girl and telling you it's alright mummy's coming. I can not wait to see how your relationship with your brother grows over the years, I hope that the two of you will always get along and be fantastic friends over the years.
Since I like holding you close I have been investigating baby wearing more then I did with just your brother in his ergo and have discovered a wonderful world of slings, wraps and carriers. There are so many pretty designs that it is hard not to get carried away with them all and at the moment I have at least five more wraps and a sling on my wish list. On the weekend we had our first baby wearing adventure when I wore you in my lovely soft rainbow wrap to the Fremantle markets, it was a very hot day but I really didn't feel to hot wearing you and you only started sweating after I decided to put you in your pram. You love being carried and being worn close to my heart, the moment I put you in that heart to heart carry you snuggled your head against my chest and went to sleep, you stayed that way for most of our market trip and only woke up when you were due for a feed.
Anyway it's time to go and get ready for your next feed, I can hear you beginning to stir in your bassinet next to me. Happy one month little princess and here to countless more months together in the future.
Love always
Mummy
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