You are one month old today, a month of massive highs and deep lows, a month where at times I have not known what way is up and what way is down. I didn't expect to end up having a caesarean and over the past month I have been struggling to come to terms with that, I didn't expect either of us to get sick and for you to spend a week in special care nursery and with all the positive signs that my body was giving us before your birth I really didn't expect us to have breast feeding problems.
People say that breast feeding is easy, that it's the most natural thing in the world and that any problems with it must either be all in the woman's head or they are just too lazy. I often wonder what those people would think if they were here watching us, living this experience with us as feed after feed we keep on going, struggling to breastfeed but doing the best we can.
In this case the best we can do right now is combination feeding with you having a feed at the breast first and then finishing with a top up of formula. I hate using formula I really do but at the end of the day you must be fed regardless of how I feel about formula it's what you need.
When you were first born we got our breastfeeding off to quite a good start regardless of the fact that you are a csection baby. I had milk and you were feeding well but then you got sick and everything went downhill. For the first three and a half days you were in the SCN you didn't feed at all as you were that weak you needed to be on IV fluids, for those days every three hours I sat by your crib and watched you as I expressed what ever I could for you and that expressing has continued ever since. Multiple times a day I find myself attached to the pump despite the fact that I am one of those women who get very little from trying to express but the lactation consultant tells me that even if I get nothing out it is still stimulating the milk supply, still getting more in for you.
By the time you were well enough to feed again my supply was suffering and you were getting frustrated and not wanting to feed followed by me getting frustrated and upset because i just want to give you the best start to life I can. Feed after feed I have put you the breast and you started sucking again but as we discovered last week at a feeding study you have a weak suck so haven't been getting as much from me as you should be. This we are working on with exercises to strengthen your jaw and suck and on the weekend just gone we went and bought a supplemental feeding system so that you are now having every feed at my breast even the formula feeds. This is good as when you are sucking the formula up through the tube you are also getting my milk from the nipple and stimulating more milk production. In a matter of three days I have noticed a big difference in the way my breasts are feeling and the amount of milk I am making and even without the SNS you are now staying on the breast for longer at a feed. In addition to help increase my supple I am taking a medication from the doctor and a herbal combination from the naturopath.
The other thing influencing breast feeding is that you have quite severe reflux. This causes you so much pain my baby girl that some nights all I can do is sit there and hold you close while you cry in my arms and a lot of those nights I cry along with you. I am doing everything I can to make sure you are okay and to ease your pain.
My dream was to breastfeed exclusively and for some reason I thought that it had to be one way or the other, either bottle or breast not both. Thankfully I have had a supportive midwife and we had a fantastic nurse in the SCN that made me realise that we can do both and that any breast milk is better then none. I am pleased to say that today you have cut down the amount of milk you have in your supplemental feed and you even had one feed fully from me today where you didn't need a supplemental. We may never end up breastfeeding 100% but we can at least meet some of your needs with breast milk.
Aside from the breast feeding woes and your reflux we have settled in at home quite well and have even managed to get out of the house a few times. Your big brother adores you and is always asking where you are, wanting to wake you up when you are sleeping to kiss and cuddle you and wanting to show you all his toys. When you cry he often makes it to your side before daddy and i do and we find him stroking your head calling you beautiful girl and telling you it's alright mummy's coming. I can not wait to see how your relationship with your brother grows over the years, I hope that the two of you will always get along and be fantastic friends over the years.
Since I like holding you close I have been investigating baby wearing more then I did with just your brother in his ergo and have discovered a wonderful world of slings, wraps and carriers. There are so many pretty designs that it is hard not to get carried away with them all and at the moment I have at least five more wraps and a sling on my wish list. On the weekend we had our first baby wearing adventure when I wore you in my lovely soft rainbow wrap to the Fremantle markets, it was a very hot day but I really didn't feel to hot wearing you and you only started sweating after I decided to put you in your pram. You love being carried and being worn close to my heart, the moment I put you in that heart to heart carry you snuggled your head against my chest and went to sleep, you stayed that way for most of our market trip and only woke up when you were due for a feed.
Anyway it's time to go and get ready for your next feed, I can hear you beginning to stir in your bassinet next to me. Happy one month little princess and here to countless more months together in the future.
Love always
Mummy
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